Shiver me Timbers

Well I actually feel quite normal today. The last two days were rough, not so dizzy just Hot flashes, my head hurt from clenching my jaw! Today, I feel pretty good.

Update Day Five

I feel like I have a fever, mass dehydration feeling. I have not actually taken my temperature but I'm pretty sure it's not there. I'm halluicinating, well not seeing flying pink monkeys but think I see something turn around and it's gone. Sadly, everything I'm feeling is "normal"

Effexor History

Here is my history with this nasty little drug, the year was 2001 and we started our love affair at 225 mg daily. Man talk about give her some medicine and shut her up. I had no idea he was a doctor I can trust him. Fucking 225 mg daily, you might as well put a tranquilizer in my ass and make people pay to watch me drool. Anyway, I dated 225 mg for about 5 years and decided I didn't want to take it anymore. New town, new doctor says - if it ain't broke why fix it, WTF? So he says lets just lower the dosage and see how that works, bam I'm on 150 mg for about 2 years. Where does that put us in the last year, yes. So, new doctor says take 150 mg every other day for two weeks than 75 mg same thing. I never made it to the 75. I move to Texas, new town, new doctor. Without actually saying my last doctor was an asshole my new doctor says your doctor was an asshole. I was basically putting myself through an Effexor roller coaster of drugs and brain shivers or zaps, dizzy, hating everyone, nightmare. So he leaves me 75 mg everyday, soon we are back up to 150 because well 75 just isn't cutting it. Well Effexor apparently just didn't like me anymore and broke up with me so now I'm dating his best friend (I didn't know they were friends when we started dating, I was desperate) pristiq.

Put a cover over that dim light it's out (Week One) Pour my pain in a dirty glass!

I'm sweating but I'm cold, the tremors won't stop, Chad is that you are you talking to me?, No baby I can't get out of bed the room is spinning too much, ouch it hurts everywhere, no I don't want to harm myself but death would be a better alternative to how I feel right now, this feeling in my brain that I can't describe, so dizzy, please just let me sleep, what it's tomorrow already? how long have I been sleeping?, wait I think I'm going to throw up, oh so dizzy please turn off the lights, wait what?, I'm so confused.............................

I like this definition of a brain shiver found in the link bellow.

"Mostly it's annoying. but if you really want to know what it is like, spin around and around real fast for a minute or two, then stop and try to stand up. For added effect, taste a 9-volt battery or touch the chassis of an improperly-grounded appliance as soon as you stop spinning"...............from..............

http://depression.about.com/cs/venlafaxine/a/brainshivers_2.htm

So what I'm describing is not crack withdrawal (I've never actually experienced that but I image it's close) that is my first week not taking Effexor. The entire reason I started this blog was all about taking me back. I've been on a roller coaster, if you don't believe me go back and read my randomness. Part of this journey is getting off anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medicine. Ok so about six months ago I decided that I didn't need to take the medicine anymore so I started a VERY SLOW weening process all in the midst of my dad passing away, quitting my job and moving across the country. I never said I was smart, funny maybe, but not smart ;-). So finally my current doctor has had enough because for some reason I was having slight withdrawal symptoms before my next dose was even due, fucking horrible. It would be only half way through my day and what Effexor suffers like to call brain shivers (attempt to describe above) would hit me out of no where. So my doctor finds this pristiq (fuck me we'll get to that later but I was so desperate give me crack) and boom no more effexor and now I'm on pristiq.

The first few days weren't too bad, little did I know I was on a hyper manic that I've never experienced and boom I crashed DAY THREE like an elephant walking over an ant hill. I lost two days of my life in a tremble and sweat filled nightmare. Ok so now day six, hmmm I can communicate and I can walk. I still have massive vertigo and dizziness, the doctor finally gave me something for that today. My eyes feel weird like someone is moving them for me so I struggle to look anyone in the eye. No, that doesn't appear strange at all?!? I'm all geeked out sorda on that hyper manic side again.

I did some research and thank god I'm not alone ;-0! So now I'm and advocate for anti-Effexor as I take it's best friend pristiq. I'll get into that later. Here is another web site, I love the Internet.

http://theeffexoractivist.org/

Ok, so the bright side I'm able to drive, semi function at work just can't look you in the eye. I read to exercise till the point of exhaustion which is funny because when my panic attacks started oh 10 years ago that was what my therapist said. Hey excuse me mr/mrs boss person I'm having a panic attack I need to go exercise is that ok I need to leave my job doctor's orders!?! Fuck that I'm already exhausted, being me is exhausting so the exercise thing I already do and it's not made it any better. Just getting my ass out of bed right now is exercise, typing this fucking blog is exercise. My apparently withdrawal causes cursing too!

One more thing

I also know that I will always be looking for my purpose in this life and that's ok too, if my purpose was fulfilled there would be no need for me! ;-)

I see light, dim but it's there

I think my past blogs have been so question directed and while I've labeled this new and said I'm taking myself back I've been a bit of a depressant. So today there was a change. I was feeling bad wondering what was my purpose, who am I? I asked Chad and he being a man and well they just handle these questions differently says well I hope you can figure out what that means before you marry me in two months, lol. When my love for him is the only thing I know. I had my hair done today and I was telling "C" about this and she said honey sometimes there are things you only tell your girlfriends. I laughed and said you know what you are right. So after my hair cut I called my best friend Becky from college and spilled my heart and she agreed and we chuckled about men for a while. This is what I learned today and I feel great about it. I learned that I have always been in not good relationships where I wanted so badly to be loved by that person that I forgot about me and did and said whatever it might take to have that person stay with me. I've also been in relationships where I've lost the good guys because I couldn't handle the good and they couldn't handle my decision to hide behind drugs and alcohol. Well now I'm in a good relationship and everything is great so that little demon hyperactive brain of mine says, hmmm what can we do to destroy this! Well know that I have that figured out I just to figure out how to stop it. I know that we all lost those butterflies after a while and it's ok to look at other men and feel something that doesn't take the love from your husband away what you do with that does. It's ok to feel that way we are human. So that's a chapter I can close, yea! Well maybe not close but at least continue knowing that I don't have to beat myself up every time I think someone other than my husband is handsome. I don't have to worry that he won't love me and I have to be someone different because you know what he loves me for me. So I can stop wondering when and where and how I will destroy that part of my life.

Another thing that has come to light, like my friend Brandi I like to leave gosh that's easier. I'm settled now for a while and that scares me too but it's a good thing and like not having a bad relationship I have to learn how to change enjoying being settled.

I know there will be good and bad days and today was good, I learned a lot so the spiritual thing maybe it is working.

And I continue looking for to NEW and my journey

confused

I'm reading a book recommended by a friend, well she recommended a different one but I ended up getting, The Times of Our Lives by Louise Hay and Friends. Brandi left a great comment on my last post be true to yourself, but I think my problem is who am I? I love that I'm trying to figure that out instead of wondering around pretending to be whatever looks good at the moment or whoever spins my ear into something for a spell. The thing is why and will I have a spiritual awakening, or some sort of something that will bring everything together. Will I stop hurting inside sometimes because I can't figure out who I am or what I want and I just a walking mold? I know that if affects everyone around me, especially Chad because well he lives with me and sees me struggle daily. But it hurts so much more because I hide 99% of it from him and most people because I feel bad that I don't know what or who I am. I have done some our right horrible things in the past because I wanted to do them at the time and I thought that it would make me feel better and fill a void, it has never worked and I this I know It has only made the void worse. How can I not know now though who I am? What is missing, is it the loss of my dad, missing my mom, giving up things in the past for stupid reasons. Is it growing up with an alocoholic father, at least I'm not following that pattern with Chad. But he has to deal with my daily struggle. Would I be a better person if I had not chosen to give up the Peace Corp because I was so desperate to be in love I just had to stay back in a bad relationship? These are the things I need to get over. I can't change them now, but I also can't settle for the statement everything happens for a reason. Because we have the ability to make a decision and if I'm wrong well I guess my reason other than Chad just hasn't happened.

Until I bring a child into this world I need to figure this out so I don't try and make her/him live the life I wanted. Generally I'm happy which is weird I just don't get it why? I still do stupid shit to try and fill voids and it always backfires because I feel bad and then I have to live with the guilt on top only making the void bigger. Well New me is still continuing my journey my spiritual something has to be out there somewhere.

Missing my blog

Well it's been a while since I blogged lots on my mind just not feeling like writing, does anyone else ever feel that why? Is it writer's block or just not really sure how to put it out there. Anyways quick update, Steve is still with me but they are monitoring him so I guess that is a good thing if they thought he was so evil they probably would have him taken our right away. He has not to my touch gotten any smaller so in two months we will see. I still say fuck you Steve!! I'm looking into eating habits as a method to be more healthy I do excersice but I still eat way worse than I should. So maybe that will make Steve go away.

My mom recently had a lump removed from her lungs they couldn't get it all of it because it was too close to her heart. The doctor that did the surgery stated that usually she knows if it is cancer immediately and my mom's didn't look like that so they aren't sure. We will know for sure on Thursday. My dad died of lung cancer but it was also started from cirrhosis in his liver from years of drinking abuse. My mom smoked for 35 years but she hasn't smoked in about 10 years I guess it doesn't always matter. I told her maybe we could do chemo together!

On to other things, marriage planning is going well except the church is dragging their feet. I wouldn't get married in a church but with my dad recently passing it met a lot to mom so I can compromise some things. Also, sometimes I am a sucker for tradition. It's weird how that happens I struggle so hard to be this tree hugging.....blah blah and yet I still find myself holding on to some strong traditional values that are very conservative in nature when I myself long to be so liberal. The man I am marrying is very conservative so it's funny sometimes to see us together with his conservatism and my liveralism. We make a good balance I think. I guess we will see, 53 days from now I will be Mrs. Chad Boylan. Oh from previous posts I have choosen to take his name.

Steve 2

So obviously I'm still and will be spending a lot of time with Steve. I think with all the thoughts and emotions I've been going thru that Steve might be a good thing. Maybe he is here for a reason just to visit and scare and bring me back from this where ever I am? Spend some time with me, scare me and bring reality back my way that's why Steve is here. So Steve while I still don't like you and you are still not welcome in my home I will get used to you and deal with you until you away so Fuck you Steve.

Steve

I have a new friend, his name is Steve. Steve was not invited to be my friend he kinda just grabbed hold of me. I would like Steve to go away, we are working on that. Steve is 4 by 2 cm tumor that was found in my left neck lymph node subclavi...something bull shit. Anyway, I'm not sure what the prognosis of Steve is yet or how long he is going to stay but naming him has given my the chance to laugh at this situation.

So please say hello to Steve.....but hate him too!

Common

Despite my current random thoughts I am very happy. I'm marrying a wonderful man, I have an ok job, I have a nice house and a great new friend that I can share my crazy thoughts with and she can bring me back or disagree whichever is needed. Sometimes both! I am common and I like it! I don't need extravagent lifestyles or happening nightclubs or mind altering substances to make me a happier better person, just my dogs, friends and my man. Who 67 days from now will be my husband who makes me be a nudist housewife. Just kidding.

random mess thoughts in the middle of nothing

After much ado the original post was pulled. One because most of it came from me seeing other people's actions not so much my own and it portrayed the wrong message I think. However, if you did have a chance to read it before I deleted it the nursing home stands true. Thanks Brandi........I did have a moment there.

Continuing Death

So there are still no details regarding my friend's sons death. Only that he was found dead in his bed in the morning so no details till the autopsy is complete. I'm learning that in real life things don't happen as fast as CSI they would have known in an hour. Anyway, I'm remembering my father's death as well and all the things that had changed about me and had slowly without my realizing started to change back to the old way. So now I'm remembering them and installing them again which is part of the NEW right! So, I'm being patient there is no reason to get upset at road rage or things beyond your control. I'm remembering that you never know what can happen so you have to take chances and not be afraid. And don't hold back because you may never get the chance again to tell the person you love how much you love them. Never assume, people in this world assume so much. Chad always tells me don't put words in my mouth and I have to step back and think hmmmm, I assumed he meant that when he said that but he didn't. I turned it into what I wanted to hear. So no more assuming and no more taking for granted. There I find though are many contradictions with this lifestyle. You have to save money but if you want to take a trip shouldn't you if you have the money? Maybe you buy less groceries for one week? If you want to call off work to play in the grass well you can but not everyday like I would like! I guess there is a balance to measure or something. But the point is be true and love life and yourself and don't get so angry at things you can't change.

I know this person that always says, "it is what it is" but it's not. It is what you make it!

Death

I have just gotten a text message from my friend saying I can't talk but our friend's oldest son has passed away. So now I'm sitting here praying (in my own way) that emotions and everyone else is ok. Having lost my father one year ago the loss of someone close to you is a pain that never goes away, but a child I can't imagine. I always think of Steel Magnolias when Sally Fields screams I'm fine that's the problem I can run to somewhere and back but my child can't. I can't imagine the pain. Tom - my heart and passion are with you and you will be strong enough to survive this whether you feel the strength or not.

Two Things

First thanks everyone that commented on the name change. I'm not really sure in my head why but I'm going to change my name. A couple things some people said that made me realize I should/wanted to, one is if I'm creating a partnership we should have the same name. Also I'd like to share the same name with my children and finally I have a co-worker that didn't change her name and the constantly call her Mrs. (maiden name) and she hates that I would hate that as well.

Ok on to the second topic of the night. Dave Matthews Band! My fiancee and I went to see his concert on Saturday and I was very disappointed. Not disappointed in Dave Matthews or his ability to perform a concert but disappointed in many other things. First, I guess I was looking for Dave Matthews the last time I saw him which was ten years ago, jamming while I was stoned and drunk. This concert was packed with teeny boopers running around like it was their first time out in public. Kids making out everywhere, smoking dope but not old enough to drink. Now, I'm not opposed totally to the smoking part but I don't understand where the immaturity has come from. I have never seen so many ass cracks and thongs in all my life from skinny and not so skinny young girls. Ladies, no one wants to see your ass crack wear a freaking belt. It is possible to wear a half shirt and not see ass, trust me. Now is it truly immaturity or am I maturing? I still enjoy live music and I carry my ipod most every where enjoying the music mostly to stop my brain from it's non stop thinking. But I just have never been so disappointed in a crowd in all my life. I'm not sure most of them even realized a music icon was on stage. Or I guess it makes you cool to say I went to see Dave Matthews Band. I don't know? So am I a crabby old lady now because I don't get high? I don't think so I've enjoyed many a concert with just a few beers. Am I jealous I'm old? I know most of those kids will turn out ok as I did but man I'm at a lost for words.

Marriage tradition, do I change my name

So I'm having an identity dilemma. I don't know whether to change my last name when I get married. Do I change the name completely, do I make it both which would be really really long or do I just keep my name. I'm not sure why this is so confusing to me, I like the idea of having my kids have the same last name as me which would be my husbands. However, I feel like I'm losing a piece of myself talking his name? Does a woman lose her identity when she becomes Mrs. blank blank? Sometimes her name is dropped off completely oh that would bother me. I have advanced degrees in my maiden name so should I keep the name. Am I feeling sentimental cause I lost my dad and that seems like my only keepsake? Hmmm, this decision was a no brainer, take his name until it came time to write the words on paper with no turning back. Now I'm freaking! Is it because I want people to find me on face book, lol, no seriously. His last name if fine, it's not gross or long or silly or anything I just don't know if I'm ready to give up mine. It's been with me 33 years and I've grown quite fond of it, hmm I just don't know what to do?

Gary Fields Comedy Club

So my first request for my bachelorette party was no penius paraphanilia. Well what did I end up wearing, a lai made of penius. I have to admit it was in very good taste, you had to look to notice the pink penius mingled in with the pink flowers.

My friends made reservations at Gary Field's Comedy Club so of course I got to sit in the front row, the comedian took it easy on me. I got asked the typical questions. The comedians were both hysterical. However, throughout the show my friend had her camera on me the entire time. I may have slipped into my past a bit before the show so needless to say you could blindfold me with dental floss. Those pictures will make sure I am never president.

Then we went back to hand with my 91 year old grandma who was up to enjoy some beers with us. It was an awesome intimate event and I had a blast.

Coming Soon

The visit home to Michigan happens for my shower and a reunion with some excellent friends!

So I am back from a very busy and needed visit home. I had my bridal shower and my bachelorette party which consisted of a low key comedy club, and some intimate time with my friends. I have never felt emotionally cleansed and something happened this weekend that has truly made me feel emotionally cleansed. I feel like the decisions I'm making are right and that the path I'm on is the path I should be taking.

I've struggled over the past few months mostly because of fear or well I just don't really know why, however for the first time I'm scared to say the word but I feel happy and I feel well right. Right about my life and the decision to get married and raise a family and be common. Common's not so bad. I'm proud I guess to say that who I am and what I'm doing with my life and that's important to me. No more misguiding people, including myself. I misguide myself a lot. For lack of better term the grass is not greener and whats wrong with the green grass I have? I'm looking forward to spending my life with Chad and I'm proud he is my companion for life, soon.

I've also learned who my true friends are the past few weeks. And while I may have several listed on facebook or myspace I love the small group of TRUE friends that I have and that I can let see me! Not to mention the family I've been blessed with and that I can continue to be close with them and be part of their lives as well.

Ok, I'm off my soap box now but my theme for now is that damn, I'm happy!!

Keep posted for the events of the night!

New

I've titled this blog new for many reasons. The first is that I'm new and what I mean by that is I'm trying to be a new me, not that I didn't like or needed to change the old me but it was time for a change. The new me wants to do things for me, wants to remember how special every part of life is, remember that sobriety itself is a wonderful drug! I could go on forever but I think that makes the point.

Other "news" in my life, I live in Texas, I am getting married, I have a new job, and my dad has passed away. WOW so much new. All the new can be very overwhelming and I'm struggling immensely with this which may be the reason for the blog. I've always "journaled" usually in a mad passionate drunken or stoned intensity that was well just hard to explain mostly leaving me too embarrassed to go back and read. Ah to believe is what so passionate and beautiful while writing to find it quite humorous sometimes.

I've met a person that has inspired me in many ways and is part of the reason for the blog, there are people in this world similar to me and I don't have to be alone. The new (theme) me doesn't want to be alone. I've never been alone but I've been alone at the same time if that makes any sense at all?

So to wrap it up this weeks blog is the beginning of the new me. Marriage will be my next topic as I am marrying the most magnificent person on the face of the earth and I'm scared because I don't want to disappoint him and fail him.

Also I can be quite humorous so humorous blogs will follow!

Ok, first blog not bad? I enjoyed.