I think my past blogs have been so question directed and while I've labeled this new and said I'm taking myself back I've been a bit of a depressant. So today there was a change. I was feeling bad wondering what was my purpose, who am I? I asked Chad and he being a man and well they just handle these questions differently says well I hope you can figure out what that means before you marry me in two months, lol. When my love for him is the only thing I know. I had my hair done today and I was telling "C" about this and she said honey sometimes there are things you only tell your girlfriends. I laughed and said you know what you are right. So after my hair cut I called my best friend Becky from college and spilled my heart and she agreed and we chuckled about men for a while. This is what I learned today and I feel great about it. I learned that I have always been in not good relationships where I wanted so badly to be loved by that person that I forgot about me and did and said whatever it might take to have that person stay with me. I've also been in relationships where I've lost the good guys because I couldn't handle the good and they couldn't handle my decision to hide behind drugs and alcohol. Well now I'm in a good relationship and everything is great so that little demon hyperactive brain of mine says, hmmm what can we do to destroy this! Well know that I have that figured out I just to figure out how to stop it. I know that we all lost those butterflies after a while and it's ok to look at other men and feel something that doesn't take the love from your husband away what you do with that does. It's ok to feel that way we are human. So that's a chapter I can close, yea! Well maybe not close but at least continue knowing that I don't have to beat myself up every time I think someone other than my husband is handsome. I don't have to worry that he won't love me and I have to be someone different because you know what he loves me for me. So I can stop wondering when and where and how I will destroy that part of my life.
Another thing that has come to light, like my friend Brandi I like to leave gosh that's easier. I'm settled now for a while and that scares me too but it's a good thing and like not having a bad relationship I have to learn how to change enjoying being settled.
I know there will be good and bad days and today was good, I learned a lot so the spiritual thing maybe it is working.
And I continue looking for to NEW and my journey
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I literally had to white knuckle through us buying a house. I'd had white knuckle moments before in our relationship-when I thought about leaving because like you said, that was easier and frankly, that was my pattern. But buying house was really putting down roots and I was petrified.
I totally understand.
and you know what I've discovered real love is?? Real love isn't the hot sex or the fluttery feelings-like you said (though that's fun too...lol). Real love is when you are cranky and tired and in a routine and you can still make each other laugh. Real love is when they are worth staying for through the boring and dry times.
You and chad have that-there is no question about that.
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