I'm reading a book recommended by a friend, well she recommended a different one but I ended up getting, The Times of Our Lives by Louise Hay and Friends. Brandi left a great comment on my last post be true to yourself, but I think my problem is who am I? I love that I'm trying to figure that out instead of wondering around pretending to be whatever looks good at the moment or whoever spins my ear into something for a spell. The thing is why and will I have a spiritual awakening, or some sort of something that will bring everything together. Will I stop hurting inside sometimes because I can't figure out who I am or what I want and I just a walking mold? I know that if affects everyone around me, especially Chad because well he lives with me and sees me struggle daily. But it hurts so much more because I hide 99% of it from him and most people because I feel bad that I don't know what or who I am. I have done some our right horrible things in the past because I wanted to do them at the time and I thought that it would make me feel better and fill a void, it has never worked and I this I know It has only made the void worse. How can I not know now though who I am? What is missing, is it the loss of my dad, missing my mom, giving up things in the past for stupid reasons. Is it growing up with an alocoholic father, at least I'm not following that pattern with Chad. But he has to deal with my daily struggle. Would I be a better person if I had not chosen to give up the Peace Corp because I was so desperate to be in love I just had to stay back in a bad relationship? These are the things I need to get over. I can't change them now, but I also can't settle for the statement everything happens for a reason. Because we have the ability to make a decision and if I'm wrong well I guess my reason other than Chad just hasn't happened.
Until I bring a child into this world I need to figure this out so I don't try and make her/him live the life I wanted. Generally I'm happy which is weird I just don't get it why? I still do stupid shit to try and fill voids and it always backfires because I feel bad and then I have to live with the guilt on top only making the void bigger. Well New me is still continuing my journey my spiritual something has to be out there somewhere.
About Me
- TheOtherBrandy
- I have struggled with a hyperactive brain my entire life and it's ruled me. I'm taking control now!
2 comments:
if it makes you feel any better-this crap place where you feel confused and chaotic and itchy in your skin is something everyone has to go through to find peace. Well-I can't speak for everyone-it is where I had to be, where I continue to be sometimes as I face another layer or another question. And I've done and said 'bad' things too-we all have. We're human, every single one of us. I've escaped behind substances, lashed out at well meaning people, stayed in emotionally abusive relationships, cheated (that one is still hard to admit 10 years later), lied, hid, judged...been imperfectly human.
I've been on a spiritual journey and search for authenticity since my divorce 9 years ago. Asking the questions, putting the intention out there is what starts the journey-away from the patterns that are hurtful to us or don't serve us anymore. Each year brings me closer, each unfolding layer is a step closer to my true self. There are breakthroughs, there are peaceful times and there are mucky times also. always.
If I had any advice-it would be to keep asking, even when it feels yucky and uncomfortable. It would be to be okay with the questions as much as you can, to try and love yourself as much as possible through the process. It would to accept the PROCESS as much as you can and know that there is no perfect. It would be to keep writing it out either here or in your personal journal. You are not a bad person. You are a normal person-asking the same questions and dealing with same guilt as a lot of people. And who you are now as as you unfold more is awesome and lovely. Know this.
Thanks Brandi that makes so much sense! I think the journey while mucky is going to be well worth it!
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