Shiver me Timbers

Well I actually feel quite normal today. The last two days were rough, not so dizzy just Hot flashes, my head hurt from clenching my jaw! Today, I feel pretty good.

Update Day Five

I feel like I have a fever, mass dehydration feeling. I have not actually taken my temperature but I'm pretty sure it's not there. I'm halluicinating, well not seeing flying pink monkeys but think I see something turn around and it's gone. Sadly, everything I'm feeling is "normal"

Effexor History

Here is my history with this nasty little drug, the year was 2001 and we started our love affair at 225 mg daily. Man talk about give her some medicine and shut her up. I had no idea he was a doctor I can trust him. Fucking 225 mg daily, you might as well put a tranquilizer in my ass and make people pay to watch me drool. Anyway, I dated 225 mg for about 5 years and decided I didn't want to take it anymore. New town, new doctor says - if it ain't broke why fix it, WTF? So he says lets just lower the dosage and see how that works, bam I'm on 150 mg for about 2 years. Where does that put us in the last year, yes. So, new doctor says take 150 mg every other day for two weeks than 75 mg same thing. I never made it to the 75. I move to Texas, new town, new doctor. Without actually saying my last doctor was an asshole my new doctor says your doctor was an asshole. I was basically putting myself through an Effexor roller coaster of drugs and brain shivers or zaps, dizzy, hating everyone, nightmare. So he leaves me 75 mg everyday, soon we are back up to 150 because well 75 just isn't cutting it. Well Effexor apparently just didn't like me anymore and broke up with me so now I'm dating his best friend (I didn't know they were friends when we started dating, I was desperate) pristiq.

Put a cover over that dim light it's out (Week One) Pour my pain in a dirty glass!

I'm sweating but I'm cold, the tremors won't stop, Chad is that you are you talking to me?, No baby I can't get out of bed the room is spinning too much, ouch it hurts everywhere, no I don't want to harm myself but death would be a better alternative to how I feel right now, this feeling in my brain that I can't describe, so dizzy, please just let me sleep, what it's tomorrow already? how long have I been sleeping?, wait I think I'm going to throw up, oh so dizzy please turn off the lights, wait what?, I'm so confused.............................

I like this definition of a brain shiver found in the link bellow.

"Mostly it's annoying. but if you really want to know what it is like, spin around and around real fast for a minute or two, then stop and try to stand up. For added effect, taste a 9-volt battery or touch the chassis of an improperly-grounded appliance as soon as you stop spinning"...............from..............

http://depression.about.com/cs/venlafaxine/a/brainshivers_2.htm

So what I'm describing is not crack withdrawal (I've never actually experienced that but I image it's close) that is my first week not taking Effexor. The entire reason I started this blog was all about taking me back. I've been on a roller coaster, if you don't believe me go back and read my randomness. Part of this journey is getting off anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medicine. Ok so about six months ago I decided that I didn't need to take the medicine anymore so I started a VERY SLOW weening process all in the midst of my dad passing away, quitting my job and moving across the country. I never said I was smart, funny maybe, but not smart ;-). So finally my current doctor has had enough because for some reason I was having slight withdrawal symptoms before my next dose was even due, fucking horrible. It would be only half way through my day and what Effexor suffers like to call brain shivers (attempt to describe above) would hit me out of no where. So my doctor finds this pristiq (fuck me we'll get to that later but I was so desperate give me crack) and boom no more effexor and now I'm on pristiq.

The first few days weren't too bad, little did I know I was on a hyper manic that I've never experienced and boom I crashed DAY THREE like an elephant walking over an ant hill. I lost two days of my life in a tremble and sweat filled nightmare. Ok so now day six, hmmm I can communicate and I can walk. I still have massive vertigo and dizziness, the doctor finally gave me something for that today. My eyes feel weird like someone is moving them for me so I struggle to look anyone in the eye. No, that doesn't appear strange at all?!? I'm all geeked out sorda on that hyper manic side again.

I did some research and thank god I'm not alone ;-0! So now I'm and advocate for anti-Effexor as I take it's best friend pristiq. I'll get into that later. Here is another web site, I love the Internet.

http://theeffexoractivist.org/

Ok, so the bright side I'm able to drive, semi function at work just can't look you in the eye. I read to exercise till the point of exhaustion which is funny because when my panic attacks started oh 10 years ago that was what my therapist said. Hey excuse me mr/mrs boss person I'm having a panic attack I need to go exercise is that ok I need to leave my job doctor's orders!?! Fuck that I'm already exhausted, being me is exhausting so the exercise thing I already do and it's not made it any better. Just getting my ass out of bed right now is exercise, typing this fucking blog is exercise. My apparently withdrawal causes cursing too!

One more thing

I also know that I will always be looking for my purpose in this life and that's ok too, if my purpose was fulfilled there would be no need for me! ;-)

I see light, dim but it's there

I think my past blogs have been so question directed and while I've labeled this new and said I'm taking myself back I've been a bit of a depressant. So today there was a change. I was feeling bad wondering what was my purpose, who am I? I asked Chad and he being a man and well they just handle these questions differently says well I hope you can figure out what that means before you marry me in two months, lol. When my love for him is the only thing I know. I had my hair done today and I was telling "C" about this and she said honey sometimes there are things you only tell your girlfriends. I laughed and said you know what you are right. So after my hair cut I called my best friend Becky from college and spilled my heart and she agreed and we chuckled about men for a while. This is what I learned today and I feel great about it. I learned that I have always been in not good relationships where I wanted so badly to be loved by that person that I forgot about me and did and said whatever it might take to have that person stay with me. I've also been in relationships where I've lost the good guys because I couldn't handle the good and they couldn't handle my decision to hide behind drugs and alcohol. Well now I'm in a good relationship and everything is great so that little demon hyperactive brain of mine says, hmmm what can we do to destroy this! Well know that I have that figured out I just to figure out how to stop it. I know that we all lost those butterflies after a while and it's ok to look at other men and feel something that doesn't take the love from your husband away what you do with that does. It's ok to feel that way we are human. So that's a chapter I can close, yea! Well maybe not close but at least continue knowing that I don't have to beat myself up every time I think someone other than my husband is handsome. I don't have to worry that he won't love me and I have to be someone different because you know what he loves me for me. So I can stop wondering when and where and how I will destroy that part of my life.

Another thing that has come to light, like my friend Brandi I like to leave gosh that's easier. I'm settled now for a while and that scares me too but it's a good thing and like not having a bad relationship I have to learn how to change enjoying being settled.

I know there will be good and bad days and today was good, I learned a lot so the spiritual thing maybe it is working.

And I continue looking for to NEW and my journey

confused

I'm reading a book recommended by a friend, well she recommended a different one but I ended up getting, The Times of Our Lives by Louise Hay and Friends. Brandi left a great comment on my last post be true to yourself, but I think my problem is who am I? I love that I'm trying to figure that out instead of wondering around pretending to be whatever looks good at the moment or whoever spins my ear into something for a spell. The thing is why and will I have a spiritual awakening, or some sort of something that will bring everything together. Will I stop hurting inside sometimes because I can't figure out who I am or what I want and I just a walking mold? I know that if affects everyone around me, especially Chad because well he lives with me and sees me struggle daily. But it hurts so much more because I hide 99% of it from him and most people because I feel bad that I don't know what or who I am. I have done some our right horrible things in the past because I wanted to do them at the time and I thought that it would make me feel better and fill a void, it has never worked and I this I know It has only made the void worse. How can I not know now though who I am? What is missing, is it the loss of my dad, missing my mom, giving up things in the past for stupid reasons. Is it growing up with an alocoholic father, at least I'm not following that pattern with Chad. But he has to deal with my daily struggle. Would I be a better person if I had not chosen to give up the Peace Corp because I was so desperate to be in love I just had to stay back in a bad relationship? These are the things I need to get over. I can't change them now, but I also can't settle for the statement everything happens for a reason. Because we have the ability to make a decision and if I'm wrong well I guess my reason other than Chad just hasn't happened.

Until I bring a child into this world I need to figure this out so I don't try and make her/him live the life I wanted. Generally I'm happy which is weird I just don't get it why? I still do stupid shit to try and fill voids and it always backfires because I feel bad and then I have to live with the guilt on top only making the void bigger. Well New me is still continuing my journey my spiritual something has to be out there somewhere.

Missing my blog

Well it's been a while since I blogged lots on my mind just not feeling like writing, does anyone else ever feel that why? Is it writer's block or just not really sure how to put it out there. Anyways quick update, Steve is still with me but they are monitoring him so I guess that is a good thing if they thought he was so evil they probably would have him taken our right away. He has not to my touch gotten any smaller so in two months we will see. I still say fuck you Steve!! I'm looking into eating habits as a method to be more healthy I do excersice but I still eat way worse than I should. So maybe that will make Steve go away.

My mom recently had a lump removed from her lungs they couldn't get it all of it because it was too close to her heart. The doctor that did the surgery stated that usually she knows if it is cancer immediately and my mom's didn't look like that so they aren't sure. We will know for sure on Thursday. My dad died of lung cancer but it was also started from cirrhosis in his liver from years of drinking abuse. My mom smoked for 35 years but she hasn't smoked in about 10 years I guess it doesn't always matter. I told her maybe we could do chemo together!

On to other things, marriage planning is going well except the church is dragging their feet. I wouldn't get married in a church but with my dad recently passing it met a lot to mom so I can compromise some things. Also, sometimes I am a sucker for tradition. It's weird how that happens I struggle so hard to be this tree hugging.....blah blah and yet I still find myself holding on to some strong traditional values that are very conservative in nature when I myself long to be so liberal. The man I am marrying is very conservative so it's funny sometimes to see us together with his conservatism and my liveralism. We make a good balance I think. I guess we will see, 53 days from now I will be Mrs. Chad Boylan. Oh from previous posts I have choosen to take his name.