Steve 2

So obviously I'm still and will be spending a lot of time with Steve. I think with all the thoughts and emotions I've been going thru that Steve might be a good thing. Maybe he is here for a reason just to visit and scare and bring me back from this where ever I am? Spend some time with me, scare me and bring reality back my way that's why Steve is here. So Steve while I still don't like you and you are still not welcome in my home I will get used to you and deal with you until you away so Fuck you Steve.

Steve

I have a new friend, his name is Steve. Steve was not invited to be my friend he kinda just grabbed hold of me. I would like Steve to go away, we are working on that. Steve is 4 by 2 cm tumor that was found in my left neck lymph node subclavi...something bull shit. Anyway, I'm not sure what the prognosis of Steve is yet or how long he is going to stay but naming him has given my the chance to laugh at this situation.

So please say hello to Steve.....but hate him too!

Common

Despite my current random thoughts I am very happy. I'm marrying a wonderful man, I have an ok job, I have a nice house and a great new friend that I can share my crazy thoughts with and she can bring me back or disagree whichever is needed. Sometimes both! I am common and I like it! I don't need extravagent lifestyles or happening nightclubs or mind altering substances to make me a happier better person, just my dogs, friends and my man. Who 67 days from now will be my husband who makes me be a nudist housewife. Just kidding.

random mess thoughts in the middle of nothing

After much ado the original post was pulled. One because most of it came from me seeing other people's actions not so much my own and it portrayed the wrong message I think. However, if you did have a chance to read it before I deleted it the nursing home stands true. Thanks Brandi........I did have a moment there.

Continuing Death

So there are still no details regarding my friend's sons death. Only that he was found dead in his bed in the morning so no details till the autopsy is complete. I'm learning that in real life things don't happen as fast as CSI they would have known in an hour. Anyway, I'm remembering my father's death as well and all the things that had changed about me and had slowly without my realizing started to change back to the old way. So now I'm remembering them and installing them again which is part of the NEW right! So, I'm being patient there is no reason to get upset at road rage or things beyond your control. I'm remembering that you never know what can happen so you have to take chances and not be afraid. And don't hold back because you may never get the chance again to tell the person you love how much you love them. Never assume, people in this world assume so much. Chad always tells me don't put words in my mouth and I have to step back and think hmmmm, I assumed he meant that when he said that but he didn't. I turned it into what I wanted to hear. So no more assuming and no more taking for granted. There I find though are many contradictions with this lifestyle. You have to save money but if you want to take a trip shouldn't you if you have the money? Maybe you buy less groceries for one week? If you want to call off work to play in the grass well you can but not everyday like I would like! I guess there is a balance to measure or something. But the point is be true and love life and yourself and don't get so angry at things you can't change.

I know this person that always says, "it is what it is" but it's not. It is what you make it!

Death

I have just gotten a text message from my friend saying I can't talk but our friend's oldest son has passed away. So now I'm sitting here praying (in my own way) that emotions and everyone else is ok. Having lost my father one year ago the loss of someone close to you is a pain that never goes away, but a child I can't imagine. I always think of Steel Magnolias when Sally Fields screams I'm fine that's the problem I can run to somewhere and back but my child can't. I can't imagine the pain. Tom - my heart and passion are with you and you will be strong enough to survive this whether you feel the strength or not.

Two Things

First thanks everyone that commented on the name change. I'm not really sure in my head why but I'm going to change my name. A couple things some people said that made me realize I should/wanted to, one is if I'm creating a partnership we should have the same name. Also I'd like to share the same name with my children and finally I have a co-worker that didn't change her name and the constantly call her Mrs. (maiden name) and she hates that I would hate that as well.

Ok on to the second topic of the night. Dave Matthews Band! My fiancee and I went to see his concert on Saturday and I was very disappointed. Not disappointed in Dave Matthews or his ability to perform a concert but disappointed in many other things. First, I guess I was looking for Dave Matthews the last time I saw him which was ten years ago, jamming while I was stoned and drunk. This concert was packed with teeny boopers running around like it was their first time out in public. Kids making out everywhere, smoking dope but not old enough to drink. Now, I'm not opposed totally to the smoking part but I don't understand where the immaturity has come from. I have never seen so many ass cracks and thongs in all my life from skinny and not so skinny young girls. Ladies, no one wants to see your ass crack wear a freaking belt. It is possible to wear a half shirt and not see ass, trust me. Now is it truly immaturity or am I maturing? I still enjoy live music and I carry my ipod most every where enjoying the music mostly to stop my brain from it's non stop thinking. But I just have never been so disappointed in a crowd in all my life. I'm not sure most of them even realized a music icon was on stage. Or I guess it makes you cool to say I went to see Dave Matthews Band. I don't know? So am I a crabby old lady now because I don't get high? I don't think so I've enjoyed many a concert with just a few beers. Am I jealous I'm old? I know most of those kids will turn out ok as I did but man I'm at a lost for words.

Marriage tradition, do I change my name

So I'm having an identity dilemma. I don't know whether to change my last name when I get married. Do I change the name completely, do I make it both which would be really really long or do I just keep my name. I'm not sure why this is so confusing to me, I like the idea of having my kids have the same last name as me which would be my husbands. However, I feel like I'm losing a piece of myself talking his name? Does a woman lose her identity when she becomes Mrs. blank blank? Sometimes her name is dropped off completely oh that would bother me. I have advanced degrees in my maiden name so should I keep the name. Am I feeling sentimental cause I lost my dad and that seems like my only keepsake? Hmmm, this decision was a no brainer, take his name until it came time to write the words on paper with no turning back. Now I'm freaking! Is it because I want people to find me on face book, lol, no seriously. His last name if fine, it's not gross or long or silly or anything I just don't know if I'm ready to give up mine. It's been with me 33 years and I've grown quite fond of it, hmm I just don't know what to do?

Gary Fields Comedy Club

So my first request for my bachelorette party was no penius paraphanilia. Well what did I end up wearing, a lai made of penius. I have to admit it was in very good taste, you had to look to notice the pink penius mingled in with the pink flowers.

My friends made reservations at Gary Field's Comedy Club so of course I got to sit in the front row, the comedian took it easy on me. I got asked the typical questions. The comedians were both hysterical. However, throughout the show my friend had her camera on me the entire time. I may have slipped into my past a bit before the show so needless to say you could blindfold me with dental floss. Those pictures will make sure I am never president.

Then we went back to hand with my 91 year old grandma who was up to enjoy some beers with us. It was an awesome intimate event and I had a blast.

Coming Soon

The visit home to Michigan happens for my shower and a reunion with some excellent friends!

So I am back from a very busy and needed visit home. I had my bridal shower and my bachelorette party which consisted of a low key comedy club, and some intimate time with my friends. I have never felt emotionally cleansed and something happened this weekend that has truly made me feel emotionally cleansed. I feel like the decisions I'm making are right and that the path I'm on is the path I should be taking.

I've struggled over the past few months mostly because of fear or well I just don't really know why, however for the first time I'm scared to say the word but I feel happy and I feel well right. Right about my life and the decision to get married and raise a family and be common. Common's not so bad. I'm proud I guess to say that who I am and what I'm doing with my life and that's important to me. No more misguiding people, including myself. I misguide myself a lot. For lack of better term the grass is not greener and whats wrong with the green grass I have? I'm looking forward to spending my life with Chad and I'm proud he is my companion for life, soon.

I've also learned who my true friends are the past few weeks. And while I may have several listed on facebook or myspace I love the small group of TRUE friends that I have and that I can let see me! Not to mention the family I've been blessed with and that I can continue to be close with them and be part of their lives as well.

Ok, I'm off my soap box now but my theme for now is that damn, I'm happy!!

Keep posted for the events of the night!

New

I've titled this blog new for many reasons. The first is that I'm new and what I mean by that is I'm trying to be a new me, not that I didn't like or needed to change the old me but it was time for a change. The new me wants to do things for me, wants to remember how special every part of life is, remember that sobriety itself is a wonderful drug! I could go on forever but I think that makes the point.

Other "news" in my life, I live in Texas, I am getting married, I have a new job, and my dad has passed away. WOW so much new. All the new can be very overwhelming and I'm struggling immensely with this which may be the reason for the blog. I've always "journaled" usually in a mad passionate drunken or stoned intensity that was well just hard to explain mostly leaving me too embarrassed to go back and read. Ah to believe is what so passionate and beautiful while writing to find it quite humorous sometimes.

I've met a person that has inspired me in many ways and is part of the reason for the blog, there are people in this world similar to me and I don't have to be alone. The new (theme) me doesn't want to be alone. I've never been alone but I've been alone at the same time if that makes any sense at all?

So to wrap it up this weeks blog is the beginning of the new me. Marriage will be my next topic as I am marrying the most magnificent person on the face of the earth and I'm scared because I don't want to disappoint him and fail him.

Also I can be quite humorous so humorous blogs will follow!

Ok, first blog not bad? I enjoyed.